Title: Species Diversity and You: A Sexual Safety Presentation
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Innuendo, humor and mild subversiveness
Spoilers: Passing reference to an element of the Enterprise episode "Cogenitor"
Summary: A presentation from Starfleet Medical's Sexual Safety program, presented by cute animated mascots
Word count: 1,024
Genre: Gen, I suppose, since no characters actually *do* anything, they just talk about theoretical other beings doing it.
Email: fitzrose @ email.msn.com
Notes: Written for prompt 33 requesting a meta chapter like "Dilithium and You!"  Also available on livejournal here.
 

(FROM Species Diversity and You, an animated presentation from Starfleet Medical's Sexual Safety program, mandatory viewing for all Starfleet personnel upon leaving their planet of origin.)

Hi! I'm Jane, the Species Diversity Panda and this is Sfonn, the Sexual Safety Le'matya!

Greetings.

We're here today to talk to you about something very special to the purpose of Starfleet - seeking out new life!

Indeed.

Starfleet officers are courageous and enthusiastic about seeking out new life, and that's just great! But sometimes we forget that every species is different.

And simple safety protocols.

That's right, Sfonn! And that's what we're going to address. Now thanks to our mysterious friends the Preservers, more forms of intelligent life are sexually and reproductively compatible than we could ever have imagined! But, my fellow officers, remember. We're all different! Sometimes this manifests in ways you might never expect.

Most assuredly.

Now, I don't need to tell you that while it is the most common arrangement in the Alpha Quadrant, not every species comes in binary male and female sexes, do I? The Vissians, for example, have three sexes, while the Tholians have one. Some species have as many as six! Even male and female isn't always that simple. Our Andorian members have two different kinds of males and two different kinds of females, and it takes all four to make the next generation. I'm sure you learned this in biology class.

But what you might not know is that <i>your</i> body might not interact with your alien friends in the expected way for your species and gender!

This is why simple sexual safety precautions are required.

Exactly, Sfonn! Why, you might enjoy a cultural exchange with a handsome young being and never know that he belonged to the receptive sex of his species. A Terran female might not expect to leave a pregnant partner behind her!

That would be most foolish.

It sure would, Sfonn. Why, you might not even know you were engaging in a reproductive act. It might even look like having a cup of tea, shaking hands or an intriguing telepathic connection!

Here are some key phrases to look out for:

- Communing
- Becoming one
- Sharing essences

and, of course

- Fertility worship

Yet unwanted reproduction is not the only danger that awaits them.

Right you are, Sfonn! Even the best Federation doctors haven't been able to eliminate sexually transmitted diseases, and that's very sad! We all love exploring new worlds and cultures and it's very limiting to put up artificial barriers to it. But remember, introducing venereal disease to a population does violate the Prime Directive. When the USS Hood brought herpes to Artaxia 6, it took Starfleet Medical's best covert operatives five months to save the planetary population, and we don't want that, do we?

It would be most unfortunate.

Exactly, Sfonn. Most unfortunate. These situations are very awkward and difficult for Starfleet to clean up. We should avoid them at all cost.

Now, obviously, we can hardly expect you to refrain from all contact! You can't ask explorers not to explore, now can you? We learn so much from these interactions, and sometimes it can really help a mission, too! Why, in those cases, it's practically a duty. And that's why Sfonn, here, is going to share his sexual safety protocols with you! So we can all explore happily. Over to you, Sfonn!

Every Starfleet officer is issued with a case of Starfleet Medical spray-protectant. If more is needed, it may be requested from the medical bay or infirmary. Do not neglect to attach a cannister of it to your utility belt during all away missions.

Although one may find a microlayer of synthlatex to be an unpleasant and inhibiting sensation on, for example, the tongue, the inside of one's ears or the bodily orifices, when interacting unknown species, it is vitally important to apply spray-protectant to all bodily surfaces engaged in sexual contact, however unlikely. Jane, if you will assist? Please extend your tongue.

Ith tasth thunny.

Perhaps. But it is very safe.

Some beings do not reproduce solely by physical means, particularly if they lack bodies as we know them. For this reason, rudimentary psi-shielding techniques are most useful.

At the slightest sign of:

- Sharing
- Completeness
- Exploration of one's mental "core"

shielding should be implemented when dealing with an unknown species.

Jane and I will now engage in what you would call "role play" in order to demonstrate such a situation and the proper response. Are you willing, Jane?

I sure am, Sfonn!

I will represent a telepathic suitor of unknown origin. You will represent a psi-null crew member. We shall begin.

Okay!

I find you a most remarkable being. Please engage in mental congress with me.

Sure!

Let us be one.

Oh! Oh, I feel so weird! It's like sparkles in my head. I, I feel strangely excited!

The connection shall go deeper still.

I see! It's as if you're reaching for the core of my being... Oh no! Time for the mental shielding technique!

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb...

Curses. I am foiled.

Yay! Let's be friends but not create babies or share diseases!

That was very good, Jane. When in need of mental protection, find something that you have fully memorized and can recall easily, then repeat it at great volume within your mind. For example, meditation chants, children's rhymes or the Starfleet Uniform Code are all suitable options. Such a technique will not protect you in all cases, yet it is easily accomplished and many have found it effective.

It is also advisable to refrain from immersing oneself in pools of liquid, gel or beds of sand with members of an unknown species who have expressed a sexual interest unless one is genuinely interested in parenthood.

This concludes my presentation.

Thank you, Sfonn! So remember, always bring your spray protectant, always pay attention to the CMO's briefing before away missions on a known planet, be sure to report for your post-mission physical promptly, remain alert at all times and go out there and enjoy the diversity of the universe!

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beatrice_otter: Lex Luthor runs for his life (Run for your Life!)

From: [personal profile] beatrice_otter


Wow. That's ... that's ... I don't know what to say. It's entertaining, yet more than slightly horrifying at the same time. (I can't help picturing it, with little muppets as Sfonn and Jane, and the idea of Muppets giving sex ed ....) And this is just as cracky as the book, for which I congratulate you.

esicaCaRbi

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-09-03 08:46 pm (UTC) - Expand

From: [personal profile] windbringer1


Sexual Diversity Panda ahahahahaha ::dead::. Also I loved how you could TOTALLY tell Sfonn was a Vulcan animal--"Curses. I am foiled."

You WIN. Please accept your gift-wrapped internet.

PxwUsFZtRFytEaOzHuB

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-01 06:43 am (UTC) - Expand

VTHmEfrHdOzgBq

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-04-30 10:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
yhlee: wax seal (Lvg knives)

From: [personal profile] yhlee


HAHAHAHAHA this is hysterical. My hat's off to you!

RoSOyeDCVw

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-01 12:26 am (UTC) - Expand

wqSKSNHQSxjBg

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-09-03 07:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
garryowen: (kirk heat)

From: [personal profile] garryowen


*dies*

This was very funny. I particularly like the paragraph about exploring happily. I love cultural misunderstandings where one being thinks it's dating another, but the other is unaware. Awesomeness.

Thanks for writing.

VshIQomIHQOLOoUSNa

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-09-04 09:17 am (UTC) - Expand
teaphile: (Enterprise - by Teaphile)

From: [personal profile] teaphile


Hee! Excellent!

It is also advisable to refrain from immersing oneself in pools of liquid, gel or beds of sand with members of an unknown species who have expressed a sexual interest unless one is genuinely interested in parenthood.

That is a scary, scary thought.

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] teaphile - Date: 2009-08-23 11:59 pm (UTC) - Expand

gKxllxldUlYJKDehbL

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-01 01:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
nolivingman: (Star Trek: Old School)

From: [personal profile] nolivingman


Heee! And now we can safely enjoy the diversity of the universe!

hiuQoLPxhZsrS

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-09-04 05:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
skywaterblue: (corset)

From: [personal profile] skywaterblue


A+. I love the bit where Sfonn safety sprays Jane: Ith tasth thunny.

Perhaps. But it is very safe.

*rofl*

From: (Anonymous)

dRXlwmzobSspfwjL


With the bases laoedd you struck us out with that answer!

zeWcmeoypxdDlQw

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-09-04 11:12 am (UTC) - Expand

kVzqYRGHxp

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-09-04 02:29 am (UTC) - Expand
rembrandtswife: (chicken pants)

From: [personal profile] rembrandtswife


This made me think of those Whose Line segments with Denny Whassername narrating a safety vid featuring (of course) Colin & Ryan. Whose Line + John M. Ford = SUPERWIN!

From: (Anonymous)

UeoLbTDEdG


For the love of God, keep writing these aritcles.
pseudo_tsuga: (KB squee)

From: [personal profile] pseudo_tsuga


This reminds me of Douglas Adams. Jane's perkiness is hilarious.
shinra_lackey: (Default)

From: [personal profile] shinra_lackey


Jane and Sfonn were the perfect comedic duo. I think I'm actually glad that the human species has to deal with only things like dental dams, condoms, and birth control pill. I can't imagine spray-on latex barriers.

Very funny fic. Thank you so much for sharing.
ext_2472: (Default)

From: [identity profile] radiotelescope.livejournal.com


*snarf*

Oh, look. Lactates are being expressed from my nose. This phenomenon warrants further investigation, I am sure.

From: (Anonymous)

WbFpzEMUcqkohsj


That's a mold-breaker. Great tinhking!
petra: Barbara Gordon smiling knowingly (Default)

From: [personal profile] petra


This is hysterical. I love the alternating tone.
brownbetty: (Default)

From: [personal profile] brownbetty


I think my favourite part is the bit where of course you can't forgo jumping into the sack with new species, and of course starfleet is happy to help you do it safely!

From: [identity profile] pink-paranoia.livejournal.com


This? is brilliant. All I can say is, before reading this I might have let Sfonn to reach for the inner core of my being, because I'm kinky like that. Now? I know better.

From: (Anonymous)

VAeOTdHrKjrjwM


BION I'm imerpssed! Cool post!
rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (lost in a good thought: DW/DT)

From: [personal profile] rhivolution


This was utterly hilarious, and that is all I can really say about it other than brilliant.

From: (Anonymous)

zOjTADCSHfZaJ


Great stuff, you hpleed me out so much!
merisunshine36: white rose floating candle (Default)

From: [personal profile] merisunshine36


Wow, that was crackalicious. I can just imagine that being played on crappy projector in the classrooms of eighth graders in Federation Planets everywhere.

I LOL'ed so hard at :
Let's be friends but not create babies or share diseases!
ext_41564: (bones)

From: [identity profile] shighola.livejournal.com


ROFLMAO
omg this is delightfully wrong on every possible levela nd utterly perfect!

Now, obviously, we can hardly expect you to refrain from all contact! You can't ask explorers not to explore, now can you? We learn so much from these interactions, and sometimes it can really help a mission, too! Why, in those cases, it's practically a duty.
Yes, slutting your way through the galaxy is clearly the duty of every Starfleet officer.

Jane is so relentlessly cheery. I kept waiting for Sfonn to eat her. Or nerve pinch her at least.
waywren: Ayumi wishes to glomp! OBEY! (glomp)

From: [personal profile] waywren


*discovers this*
Oh Gods so much win. *dies and runs off to share it everywhere*

A PERFECT addition to the ranks of Dilithium and You!

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] waywren - Date: 2009-11-30 07:28 am (UTC) - Expand

HvvHLjGXXTbUcip

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2011-05-01 08:40 am (UTC) - Expand
mllesays: John Singer Sargent painting (st // hipster boyfriends at comic con)

From: [personal profile] mllesays


Yay! Let's be friends but not create babies or share diseases!

Best line ever.

This whole thing is hilarious and awesome.
ceares: cookie all grown up (Default)

From: [personal profile] ceares


this has me crying with laughter and I've gone nowhere near the book. I just keep picturing, not only Star Trek but all the other Scifi series out there.
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